Ever since I was a kid and now as an adult I have always
toyed with the idea of trying to put together a family tree. As a product of
the child welfare system I feel like in some way it’d be almost therapeutic to
see it all laid out in a neat and organized fashion. I hate to admit it but
something in my brain and my heart says that if I can somehow commit it to
paper maybe it’ll make more sense to me and maybe it’ll be easier to explain to
other people.
When I was a kid in school there was a project at some point
to actually make a family tree, to research your heritage and create a display.
I’m partially proud and partially ashamed that I somehow maneuvered my way out
of the project. I stayed home sick for a week to avoid the project and refused
to do the project all together. Avoiding school and homework was not out of the
ordinary for me so I’m sure my anxiety and stress over the assignment went
completely unnoticed. But I was anxious and stressed. The idea of trying to put
it on paper and present it to the class made me sick to my stomach and I had a
nervous rash all over my body.
It is my personal opinion that the school or teacher or
whoever should never have assigned this kind of project to begin with. There is
no way you can know every single kids home situation. I believe that even if
they weren’t a foster kid like me this kind of assignment would bring up
feelings of shame and embarrassment. Maybe someone has a single mom, or they
live with their grandparents, or one of their parents passed away. You never
know what those kids go home to and how they feel about it. Not to mention, kids can be nasty and mean to begin with.
Why would someone want to give kids more ammunition and reasons to bully and
tease someone who is more than likely already an under dog. I was made fun of
and ridiculed for being a foster kid already – there is no way you could have
forced me to put it on blast. The weight of being ashamed of where I came from
and the jumbled mess of my family is hard enough to process as an adult – how the
hell was I supposed to create some content out of my family tree that was worthy
of a passing grade as a kid? I know I wasn’t alone in this feeling either.
There were kids with divorced parents and step parents and they didn’t want to
put it out there to the entire class room that their parents split up. I just
don’t think it is an appropriate school project- period.
As an adult now I have revisited the issue a few times. I
don’t know if it’s because it feels like unfinished business or what but I keep
coming back to it every couple of years. I’ve made a few failed attempts and I’ve
now realized there IS NO WAY to make a family tree for me that is tidy,
organized, and has a flow. I can hardly get past my parents and siblings before
it turns into a giant mess. I have biological parents, step parents, and
adoptive parents. I have 4 half siblings and 2 of them I don’t even know their
names or anything about them- I don’t even know if they know I exist. I have a
step brother I’ve only met a handful of times who I doubt cares for or
remembers who I am to him. I have an adoptive brother who isn’t blood related
to me at all and he has a biological family out there somewhere too.
Logically I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation when it
comes to my family. That doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m an open book
and I’m sure sometimes I over share. Anyone who knows me knows about my family,
and foster care, and blahblahblah. However, it is still challenging. My husband
obviously knows everything and anything there is to know about my family but
even for him it’s hard to keep track. It’s never simple. I can never just say “Oh
one time my mom and I_______.” It’s always followed up with a question of which
mom. I’m forever grateful of where I landed and I know my family was already
messy before foster care and adoption.
If I could do it over I think I would go back and talk to my
teacher who gave out the assignment. I wish I would have spoken up and tried to
articulate why the project was so damaging and hurtful and why I was refusing
to do it. Because I never spoke up I know that the year after and the year
after and the year after that the same project will keep getting assigned. The
shame that I held onto so tightly other kids will be holding onto and the
teacher will have no idea. For the time being I’m in the clear to share what I want and
to with hold what I’d rather not share. Until Dylan and I have kids. I dread
the day they might get this assignment in school. I want to talk to our kids
about my past and family on my terms – not some schools. I’d never lie to our
kids about where I came from. But I want questions to come up organically
instead of attempting to lay it all out on the table for someone else when I
can barely explain it myself.
All in all my family tree isn’t really much of a tree at
all. It’s more like a weird and messy game of connect four. I’m constantly
trying to work past my shame and embarrassment that comes with my family
baggage. I’m at a good point in my life where I’m willing to openly share where
I came from and who makes up family. Although, I know that’s not the case for a
lot of people.
If it’s within your power and your school or your child’s
school is assigning family tree/ancestry/ heritage projects please speak up.
Even if your family dynamic is what society has deemed “normal” – speak up for
someone else. You have no idea what kind of pain you might be saving someone
from.
Until Next Time
- PronouncedLeah
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