"Let Talk About Trauma and PTSD, It'll Be Fun" - Said No One Ever.

For the sake of simplifying this post when speaking of PTSD I'm specifically talking about C-PTSD or Complex Trauma Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of: domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

I’m not even sure how to start on this topic. I don’t even know where to begin to talk about my trauma. I don’t know how to describe what it’s like to live with PTSD. I’ve been sitting on this topic for awhile now for a few reasons. I feel like it’s such an abstract concept. It’s just something I have to live with. It’s not an event or a fact that I can pin down and break apart and analyze for the general population. How do I explain to someone who doesn’t have my trauma what it’s like to carry that weight. How do I explain what having PTSD is like to someone who doesn’t have it? I don’t know how to write about this without sounding like I’m crazy. Writing about this also scares me because for the most part everyone who knows me thinks I have my shit together.

To be fair, for the most part I do.

I’ve been working through the creative process to get to the point of sitting down and writing. Here I am and I’m still struggling. I can’t begin to tell you about the tears I’ve shed just writing down my notes and thoughts on this topic. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Which seems to be the common concept on my feelings surrounding foster care. Right now I also feel more publicly vulnerable than I’ve ever felt before. It’s also forcing me to relive some of the things I try hard to shut out and move past.

Trauma is weird to say the least. Sometimes you don’t even realize the shit you’re repressing. It’s buried so deep you don’t even know what you’re hiding from yourself. Until one day you’re driving down the freeway just like any other day on your way to work. Then all of a sudden the sound of your blinker clicking brings you back to that time when you were scared for your life. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop the memory from flooding back to you.

I’m 11 years old again and it’s 3 in the morning and I’m dead asleep until I hear the creak of the stairs leading up to my bedroom. My heart starts to race and I immediately jump out of bed to lock the deadbolt on my bedroom door. There is a pounding on the door and it’s loud and angry and matches up perfectly with the sound of my blinker. My door handle is turning and the door is shaking as someone is trying to break in. His voice comes through the other side. Screaming at me to let him in. He’s calling me every dirty name under the rainbow and threatening to kill me if I don’t let him in. It’s one of my parents friends who was living with us at the time. I know he’s either high or drunk out of his mind and probably won’t even remember this in the morning. I go sit in my closet and close the door and fold myself up as small as possible and cry. Praying to God that the door holds and that he goes away and leaves me alone. The pounding and screaming go on for what feels like an hour and eventually he admits defeat and leaves. I’m thankful in that moment that I have a deadbolt on my door and that I’m safe and unharmed.

Then I’m back in my car and my blinker is off and I've pull into a random parking lot  and turned my car off. I’m hyperventilating and quietly sobbing. I try to compose myself enough to drive the rest of the way to work. Once I calm down enough, I fix my makeup and resume life as normal. Like it never happened. I walk into work and say good morning to everyone, pour my coffee, and turn on my computer. Calm and collected like it’s just another day.

PTSD is like a switch that once it’s turned on I can’t just turn it off. I have to ride the wave until it hits shore and it can happen at any moment.

I can be doing the same thing I do day in and day out. When I was around 15 I was hanging out my my adoptive brother while he was was playing this zombie game. I wasn’t much of a video game person but I enjoyed spending time with him so I’d sit in the basement for hours watching him play. I’m not sure what it was about this particular day but the sound of the guns going off and the temperature of the basement sent me straight back in time.

I was living at home with my parents and the house felt more hectic than normal. The air felt heavy and had the sickly sweet smell of cooked meth. My back and shoulders were tense like they would always get right before someone was about to yell at me or a fight was about to break out. I was standing in front of the fridge with the door open blanking staring in past the jugs of yellow liquid. I was questioning why this had to be my life. Did normal people keep jars of pee in their fridge? One of my parents friends came stomping up the stairs from the basement. His eyes looked wild and it felt like he was trying to see through me. His face was beat red and I could tell he was mad about something. He grabbed my arm and pulled me down to the basement and brought me over to a closet where my two cats were locked in. He was screaming incoherently in my ear and pulled a gun out. I was convinced I had done something to piss him off and I was going to die. I knew I should be scared but I was numb and auto pilot had kicked in. I open my mouth to ask what was going on but before I could get the words out he opened fire and shot my cats right before my eyes. I couldn’t process what happened. He let go of my arm like he was throwing my own dead weight at me. I turned around and walked up the stairs and out the back door of the house.

Abruptly I’m back in my new home walking up the stairs to my bedroom. I lay down in bed in complete numbness. I don’t tell my adoptive mom what I just remembered for weeks. Until it’s to the point of eating me alive.

I can nail down my triggers for what will make my anxiety flare up. I have tons of skills to cope with anxiety too. PTSD episodes are like something from a whole other world. I have no idea what will cause a flash back and I haven’t a single clue how to bring myself out of it once I’m in the depths of reliving it.

I’ve come to accept that it’s just the way my life it going to be living with trauma. Its creeps up out of nowhere and slams into me so hard I have no way to prevent it from completely taking over. How do I work through the shit that I can’t even remember happening? Before that day in my car I never even knew that night happened. Before that day in the basement with my brother I always thought my cats ran away or one of the randoms that lived with us stole them.

Sometimes I question if these memories that come flooding back are even real. How is it possible to completely block out memories like that? Is there just so much bad shit that I only remember the worst of it? Or is it possible that there is worse shit that I’m not remembering at all?  How can I recover and process through things I don’t remember happening to me until I’m in a full blown panic.

Dylan has come home to find me curled up in a ball in our bedroom closet crying. We joke about it now because looking back on it, it seems silly. I couldn’t even tell you what set me off that time. I honestly don’t remember. Sometimes the memories come back and before I can come back to my senses they are gone again.

I can’t help but wonder what the heck is wrong with me? I’m always the biggest advocate for everyone to seek out the help they need. I just can’t help but treat my trauma and PTSD like this individual war that I have to fight by myself. It’s not really something I talk about and I can’t even believe I’m sharing any of this with internet right now.

I don’t want anyone to treat me any different or look at me different. I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I don’t want to be looked at like I’m crazy.

I’m hoping that by sharing my experience I can help other people see that you really aren’t crazy. You can have PTSD and trauma and still be a normal person.

I’m hoping that professionals will look at this and realize that kids who’ve lived through trauma need to be treated for PTSD. It shouldn’t be dismissed so quickly as depression and acting out.

If you have a loved one dealing with PTSD just be there for them. Be patient and be willing to listen. Sometimes a hand to hold is enough.

If you are struggling with any kind of trauma just know you’re not alone.

It’s okay to break down and have moments of weakness. We just need to remind ourselves that we are survivors and we can move past it.

To read more about PTSD in alumni of foster care visit the links below:

http://www.fosterfocusmag.com/articles/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-not-just-soldiers-problem

http://www.thecrimson.com/article/2005/4/11/study-finds-foster-kids-suffer-ptsd/

Until next time

-PronouncedLeah

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Where Did You Come From?

 

Ever since I was a kid and now as an adult I have always toyed with the idea of trying to put together a family tree. As a product of the child welfare system I feel like in some way it’d be almost therapeutic to see it all laid out in a neat and organized fashion. I hate to admit it but something in my brain and my heart says that if I can somehow commit it to paper maybe it’ll make more sense to me and maybe it’ll be easier to explain to other people.

When I was a kid in school there was a project at some point to actually make a family tree, to research your heritage and create a display. I’m partially proud and partially ashamed that I somehow maneuvered my way out of the project. I stayed home sick for a week to avoid the project and refused to do the project all together. Avoiding school and homework was not out of the ordinary for me so I’m sure my anxiety and stress over the assignment went completely unnoticed. But I was anxious and stressed. The idea of trying to put it on paper and present it to the class made me sick to my stomach and I had a nervous rash all over my body.

It is my personal opinion that the school or teacher or whoever should never have assigned this kind of project to begin with. There is no way you can know every single kids home situation. I believe that even if they weren’t a foster kid like me this kind of assignment would bring up feelings of shame and embarrassment. Maybe someone has a single mom, or they live with their grandparents, or one of their parents passed away. You never know what those kids go home to and how they feel about it. Not to mention, kids can be nasty and mean to begin with. Why would someone want to give kids more ammunition and reasons to bully and tease someone who is more than likely already an under dog. I was made fun of and ridiculed for being a foster kid already – there is no way you could have forced me to put it on blast. The weight of being ashamed of where I came from and the jumbled mess of my family is hard enough to process as an adult – how the hell was I supposed to create some content out of my family tree that was worthy of a passing grade as a kid? I know I wasn’t alone in this feeling either. There were kids with divorced parents and step parents and they didn’t want to put it out there to the entire class room that their parents split up. I just don’t think it is an appropriate school project- period.

As an adult now I have revisited the issue a few times. I don’t know if it’s because it feels like unfinished business or what but I keep coming back to it every couple of years. I’ve made a few failed attempts and I’ve now realized there IS NO WAY to make a family tree for me that is tidy, organized, and has a flow. I can hardly get past my parents and siblings before it turns into a giant mess. I have biological parents, step parents, and adoptive parents. I have 4 half siblings and 2 of them I don’t even know their names or anything about them- I don’t even know if they know I exist. I have a step brother I’ve only met a handful of times who I doubt cares for or remembers who I am to him. I have an adoptive brother who isn’t blood related to me at all and he has a biological family out there somewhere too.
 

Logically I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to my family. That doesn’t make it any easier though. I’m an open book and I’m sure sometimes I over share. Anyone who knows me knows about my family, and foster care, and blahblahblah. However, it is still challenging. My husband obviously knows everything and anything there is to know about my family but even for him it’s hard to keep track. It’s never simple. I can never just say “Oh one time my mom and I_______.” It’s always followed up with a question of which mom. I’m forever grateful of where I landed and I know my family was already messy before foster care and adoption.

If I could do it over I think I would go back and talk to my teacher who gave out the assignment. I wish I would have spoken up and tried to articulate why the project was so damaging and hurtful and why I was refusing to do it. Because I never spoke up I know that the year after and the year after and the year after that the same project will keep getting assigned. The shame that I held onto so tightly other kids will be holding onto and the teacher will have no idea. For the time being I’m in the clear to share what I want and to with hold what I’d rather not share. Until Dylan and I have kids. I dread the day they might get this assignment in school. I want to talk to our kids about my past and family on my terms – not some schools. I’d never lie to our kids about where I came from. But I want questions to come up organically instead of attempting to lay it all out on the table for someone else when I can barely explain it myself.

All in all my family tree isn’t really much of a tree at all. It’s more like a weird and messy game of connect four. I’m constantly trying to work past my shame and embarrassment that comes with my family baggage. I’m at a good point in my life where I’m willing to openly share where I came from and who makes up family. Although, I know that’s not the case for a lot of people.
 

If it’s within your power and your school or your child’s school is assigning family tree/ancestry/ heritage projects please speak up. Even if your family dynamic is what society has deemed “normal” – speak up for someone else. You have no idea what kind of pain you might be saving someone from.

 

Until Next Time

- PronouncedLeah

I Miss You, I Miss You Not

Every once in awhile there is a picture that pops up in my social media feeds. I'm not typically the type of person that is into mantras and cliche phrases but something about this particular message resonates with me. The picture reads "Just so we're all clear, it's okay to miss people you no longer want in your life." I'm always grateful for the reminder. I've made some hard decisions to cut people out of my life. Although it has been necessary for my own well being it's still hard to get over the emptiness it leaves you with. 

It's been a little over 3 years since the last time I spoke to my parents. The last conversation I had with them I explained that I had given them dozens of chances and they clearly weren't changing their ways. I didn't cry when I had this talk with them.The defense mechanism in my brain took over and I spoke on auto pilot. My voice was even, monotone, and expressionless. I delivered my message as matter-of-fact even though my heart was breaking. I explained that after today I was cutting them off completely. I listed all the things they would be missing out on because once again they decided to choose drugs over me and I wasn't going to stick around to watch it happen.

Cutting them off meant they would no longer be attending my wedding coming up in a year. When Dylan and I have children in the future my parents will never see them. They will never have our address and their number will remain blocked in my phone. I told them all of this and tried to get them to understand that this was the final conversation we would be having.
Of course they cried and pleaded with me but my mind was made up. My mind had to be made up for the sake of my new life and family. I needed to do what was best for my future and I saw them playing no part in it. 

I desperately needed to move forward with my life and leave them in the past where I should have left them long ago. It wasn't worth waiting on their promises to get better. They'd been shoving those falsities down my throat my entire life. I couldn't withstand anymore manipulation and deceit. Lies have always made my stomach turn even if they weren't my own. 

A main reason for cutting them out was protecting my new life. I couldn't possibly bring my new family into this disaster. My adoptive mom, Kate, had protected me and welcomed me into her life with open arms. The least I could do was protect her from the insanity that was meant to be left in my past. My husband to be, Dylan, didn't need this kind of drama and hostility weighing him down. It wasn't his mess but mine. Then there were my in-laws, they knew a little of the past life I had but I couldn't allow them to come face to face with the reality of my origins. 

Despite all of my reasons to cut ties and walk away it has remained a difficult decision to uphold. Everyday I am battling with myself internally because I miss them so much. Almost daily I go back and forth with the debate of just calling them to talk one last time. Weekly I'm debating if maybe I should just write them a letter. I wouldn't need to put a return address on it. Just say what I need to say and be done with it.

I just hope they know I still love them. For as fucked up and unhealthy as they are I still love them and miss them so much. I try to remember that for my own well being I can't have contact with them but I still struggle with the back and forth in my mind. I have moments when I'm close to cracking but then I receive a nasty reminder for why I need to stay away. 

They still attempt to contact me. It's been a long time since I blocked their number. However, I still receive voicemail's and Facebook messages. I've even gone as far as changing phone numbers. I'm on my 3rd number but to no avail. Someone keeps giving out my number to them. It doesn't matter anyway at this point because I know what they will say. Every message I receive follows the same pattern.

My mom will start in with the begging and pleading. Each message goes a little something like this... 

"This is your mom Leah, your real mom. Please call me and daddy back. Please if you are hearing this message just call us back. We miss you so much. "

That immediately flows into the guilt trip and heavy manipulation. 

"This is your REAL mom Leah, the one who gave BIRTH to you. Does that not mean anything to you? We weren't always the best parents but we always did the best we could. Is this how you repay us? By ignoring us? We won't be around forever. Someday we will be gone and you'll regret this."

Every voicemail, every time is concluded in anger and blame.

"Leah, what the hell is wrong with you?! If your grand parents were alive to see how you're acting, they would be ashamed. You can tell your brother and sister that too. Shame on all of yous. I didn't raise yous to behave like this. What the hell has gotten into you? I sure as hell didn't teach you to act like this. This is your mom Leah. CALL ME BACK."

For any "normal" person that alone would be enough reason to say "good riddance". I wish that was what I thought. I wish I could be a normal person with a normal relationship with normal parents. Instead I sit hear and torture myself and feel like shit about my decision to protect myself. Anytime I get one of these messages I start in with a game of 20 questions in my head. 

If my parents pass away will I regret never calling them back?
Is it going to eat away at me for the rest of my life if I don't say my good byes?
Will I attend their funerals if they do pass away?
What will other family think or say if I do?
What if I don't?
Am I morbid for dwelling so heavily on these questions?
Maybe this was the wrong decision all along?

The aching I feel in my chest for them is almost too much to bare and I wish I could just go back to the way things used to be even if they weren't good to begin with. Maybe a shitting relationship is better than no relationship at all. Someday's it feels like the wrong decision. 

Without the support system I have in place I surely would have caved and been stuck in the down ward spiral I tried so hard to escape. Dylan is always there to listen to the messages with me and combat the negativity I take from it. My adoptive mom Kate has always kept her arms and ears open when I need to hash it out again and again. Ultimately I know the ball is in my court. Sometimes the sense of control over the situation is the only thing keeping me from driving to their house and throwing my self at their feet for forgiveness.
When I've had enough and I don't want to play the game of keep away any longer the message appears in my feed. Always at the times when I seem to need the reminder most. 

It's okay to still love my parents and not have a relationship with them. It's okay to still yearn for a connection to them but  to keep the ties of communication cut. It's okay to still want to hear their voices but not let them hear mine. 

And just so I'm clear, it's okay to miss my parents and no longer want them in my life.

Until Next Time

- PronouncedLeah

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