Black Suits and Dream Catchers

I’d like to take you back to the first time I was taken from my biological family. I’ll never forget that day and the trauma that it’s left with me.

My personal experience with foster care was terrible. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel as isolated and despondent as the time I spent in the system. I was ripped away from my family numerous times unaware of what had happened and why. I felt as if I had done something wrong and I was being punished. I was placed in new homes and forced to conform to the lives of people I’d never met before. I was forced to carry on in school and pretend nothing had changed because I was ashamed to tell anyone. Everyone around me was making decisions about my life because “they knew what was best for me”. Every time I spoke up I was silenced. 
Foster care was meant to save me from my supposedly dangerous and negligent home. In reality foster care stole away my dignity, confidence, and certainty in where I belonged. 

I was around 7 years old and was spending the night at my friend’s house. It was early on Sunday morning and my friend and I were watching cartoons in our pajamas while we rubbed the sleep out of our eyes. Our hair was wild from a good night’s sleep and blankets and pillows were piled around us on the living room floor. Her mom was in the kitchen humming and cooking scrambled eggs. 
I remember smelling toast and orange juice in the air. At one point the house phone rang and my friend’s mom answered and immediately went in another room and closed the door. 
Her face looked solemn and her shoulders hung as she came back after the call was done. Then breakfast was done and I didn’t think to ask what was wrong. 
I scarfed down my food and the question that was in my mind was gone. Not long after we were done eating there was someone at the door. Three loud and quick raps on the door followed soon after by 2 rings of the door bell. At the time I couldn’t quite put it together and wasn’t sure why but my stomach sank and my mouth instantly felt dry. 

Being kids we ran to the big front window to look outside. A black car was parked out along the curb of the front of the house in the cul-de-sac. My mom’s truck was pulling in behind the foreign car. 
My friend’s mom went down the stairs and opened the front door and let in a manin a black suit. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion the second he stepped into the house. 
I remember focusing on how shiny his shoes were. I don’t think I’d ever seen a man in dress shoes before. He came up the stairs with my friend’s mom and my mom followed soon after. 
I was brought over to the kitchen table and sat down with the man and my mom. My friend and her mom disappeared somewhere else into the house. My moms face was streaming with tears and her body was shaking with shame and sobs. 
I reached out my hand to hold hers. Her body shook more violently with tears. 
The man was talking at me but I didn’t hear a word he said, all I could think was what did I do that was so terrible and was making my mom cry so hard? 
All I could think was that he was from the school and I was in trouble for missing to many days. I couldn’t possibly think of anything else I could have done wrong. For the most part I kept my head down and stayed out of trouble.


My friend and her mom came back in the kitchen and my over night bag was all packed up. My friend handed it to me and hugged me tight. My friend’s mom’s face was stained with tears and she 
bent down to hug me and I felt her tears on my cheek. It burned on my face when she pulled away and kissed my forehead good bye. The man in the black suit took my bag from my hand and exchanged words with my friend’s mom. 
Everyone was standing and walking towards the front door. My mom was squeezing my hand so tight it almost hurt but I kept silently praying she wouldn’t let go. I could swear it was the only thing that kept me from sinking into the floor. My mom held my hand all the way to the black car while the man in the black suit escorted from behind. 
My mind was swimming with questions. Why am I going in the black car?What did I do wrong? Why is my mom crying? Who is the man in the black suit? I thought I wasn’t supposed to trust strangers? Certainly I’m not supposed to trust this strange man? Did something bad happen to my dad? Why isn’t he here too? Are my parents trying to get rid of me?  I really must have done something bad. 

My mom pulled me into the tightest hug and chanted I love you over and over in my ear. All I could do was repeat those three words back. I prayed in my mind that my mom understood the weight of how much I truly did love her. She pulled away as the man in the black suit said it was time to go. My own tears felt hot on my face this time as they rolled down in a steady stream. I crawled in the back seat and my mom buckled me in. She squeezed me one last time and kissed my forehead and said good bye. The man in the black suit got in the front seat and started the car. As the car left the cul-de-sac I felt the weight of the world come crushing down on me. My head was pounding and my chest was tight as I gasped for air between sobs. I knew that where ever this car was going, when I got out, I was never going to be the same person again.


As I was getting my breathing back to normal and wiping my face of my tears I noticed the car starting to slow down.We pulled into a drive way the lead to a large tan house. The yard was perfectly kept and the drive way looked as if it had been swept. I remember thinking the neighborhood felt quiet and deserted. It felt as lonely as I did. During the drive I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let “them” see me cry again and I would never show any weakness again.The man in the black suit came around and opened my door. I took his hand and followed him to the door. His hand had none of the warmth that I felt in my moms. It only made me feel more isolated and empty. My head was still throbbing but my feet carried me forward like they had a mind of their own. An older woman with dyed black hair, blue eyeliner, and over sized dream catcher earrings answered the door of the tan house. The man in the black suit said good bye and we parted ways. I never saw him again. Unfortunately the way my life was about to turn there were plenty of other men and women in black suits with black cars. 

The woman with the dream catcher earrings led me inside to the house and showed me “my room”. The please and thank you that came from my mouth didn’t feel like my words. The body that carried me through the door of the tan house couldn’t have been my body. I was acting on auto pilot and complied with the directions I was pointed. The woman with the dream catchers left me alone and left the door open behind her. She spewed niceties at me along the lines of she would let me get settled and she would be upstairs if I needed anything. The stairs creaked as she went up stairs. I was finally alone and all I  wanted was to scream or hit something. Instead, I sat on the end of the bed and stared blankly into space letting the numb feeling in my chest wash over me completely. The bed beneath me felt hard as a rock as I lay down. I curled into a ball trying to be as small as possible. Hoping that if I made myself small enough maybe I could disappear.  Words from earlier came flooding back to me as my head started to clear. Two words rang over and over in a loop as I closed my eyes and started to drift to sleep. 
Foster care. 

Everyone's experience with foster care is different. My personal experience has left me with a life time of trauma and PTSD to try to heal from.

This story is just one instance of the traumatic events of being taken from my family.
I hope to share with you the other stories. For me this wasn't a one time event but the beginning
of my life being turned upside down over and over again.


Until next time

-PronouncedLeah

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