All of us have something in our personalities telling us to turn left or turn right with every decision we make. Perhaps you’re a peace keeper and your instincts tell you to take the path of least resistance at all times while smoothing over difficult situations. Or maybe you’re more of a care taker. Putting others needs first comes natural to you, you have a desire to up lift others, and you’re okay with your needs taking a back seat. There is also a chance that you could be more like me – spiteful.
I don’t mean spiteful in the sense of being catty or vindictive in a mean way. I just have this desire to do the opposite of what is told of me and a strong will to prove people wrong. Whether I was born with this trait or developed it over the course of my life is debatable. However, within the last year I’ve reflected on some choices I’ve made and the positions they have put me in. A few spiteful actions have resulted in mistakes that I have had to learn from. Such as rebelling against the wishes of my caretakers by dressing a certain way, not auditioning for plays I wanted to audition for, and buying a pet I wasn't ready for. Some of these are small problems in the grand scheme of things but they were absolutely decisions made because I had to prove a point.
On the other hand, a lot of the reason I am where I am today is because I did make decisions out of spite and had a strong desire to show people they were wrong about me. As someone who grew up in the foster care system there are certain stigmas and statistics that go along with it. A few of these stigmas involved having children while under 20 years old, being incarcerated, becoming homeless, not graduating from high school, and/or becoming addicted to drugs. I am proud to say that I have either avoided all of those things. I was determined to throw it back in the face of the people who told me this is what I could expect to happen to my life.
You might be asking yourself “OK, but what does any of that have to do with being spiteful?”
When I was around 12 years old I was placed with my aunt and uncle so that they could be my foster parents. At the time it sounded like a great idea and I was thankful my social worker was able to make it happen. I remembered living with them before when I was much younger and I had loved it. It was safe, stable, and I was more than a little spoiled in my time spent with them. Because I was a preteen old hormonal girl who was going through the lowest of her depression it turned out to be a nightmare. Neither I nor my aunt and uncle ended up being happy with the situation we were in. I rebelled against everything they wanted even when they had the best of intentions. I’m sure they thought they were getting the sweet blonde haired angel they used to have. Instead, they got me with black hair, way to much eyeliner, and dressed in black head to toe. While living with my aunt and uncle the harder they pushed me to wear more color or bleach the black out of my hair the more I pushed back. I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me I couldn’t look how I wanted. The more they wanted me to look another way the more I wanted to look the opposite.
After I was adopted my life turned around for the better. I had a stable home and a mom that loved me. A year or so after I was adopted my mom and I decided to add to our family by adopting again. Soon enough I had an older brother. We got along great but still fought like siblings. There was a lot we had in common including acting and music. I always loved acting and being on stage and although I love music I’m not the most gifted singer. My brother however, had a beautiful singing voice and was very gifted musically. The year previous to my brother moving in I had been in a school play and was excited to audition for the school musical that year. My brother also was excited to audition. Discovering that my brother was going to audition immediately changed my mind and I refused to even consider auditioning. I knew he was a much better singer than I was and I couldn’t live with the idea of him making the play and not making it myself. No matter how much my mom tried to convince me my mind couldn't be changed. My brother did end up getting a lead and although I loved watching him perform I couldn't help but feel regret that my spiteful attitude held me back from doing something I love. I never auditioned for another play again and put my dreams of being on stage to rest.
The trend of never listening to my mom’s advice continued for many more years of my life. As an adult now, I seek out her wisdom and try to take it to heart, but as an attitude filled 17 year old you couldn’t pay me to listen to my mom. I was dead set on adopting a small animal. I had a job and was making my own money and decided I would save up and get something small and cute. Talking it over with my mom we had talked about guinea pigs, rats, birds, and ferrets. The only one my mom was completely against me getting was a ferret. So naturally I decided that was what I needed to get. As much as my mom protested my mind was made up. Later that week I drove to the pet store and spent well over $400.00 on the ferret and all the supplies I needed. It wasn't long before I realized my mistake. Although I loved my ferret (who I had named Boo Radley) he was turning out to be a lot more work than I had anticipated. I did absolutely zero research before getting him. Did you know ferrets are nocturnal? They sure are! Boo kept me up all hours of the night running around in his cage, playing with his toys, even drinking and eating he was noisy. Did anyone ever tell you ferrets are smelly? Listen to those people they are correct. Even though he was noisy and smelly I enjoyed having him but it was definitely more responsibility than I was ready for. My mom ended up proving me right and eventually I ended up having to put Boo back up for adoption.
Despite the lessons I have learned from being spiteful I haven’t changed that characteristic of myself. In the end it has surprisingly has done more good than bad. I am currently 22 years old and my husband and I don’t have any kids and we are still choosing to wait. Being a pregnant teenager is one foster care statistic I was never going to let happen for me. I’m not perfect and have definitely broken some laws but have fortunately never been in jail and I don’t see that ever happening. I've never been homeless, in fact my husband and I bought our first house at 20 years old. That’s something I thought would never happen! I graduated high school and have a great career. I made it happen because everyone told me I wouldn't. I've created a life better than I ever imagined.
I've done it all in spite of the people, statistics, and stigmas telling me I couldn't. I’ll continue to make my life the best one possible in spite of what I have had working against me.
Until next time
- PronouncedLeah
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It's a good trait to have when you want to prove people wrong in their negative misconceptions about you, and a lousy one when you're simply so compelled to prove everyone wrong that you end up proving them wrong when they believe in you and love you.
ReplyDeleteI get the sense you're learning when this trait serves you well and when it doesn't. When you're in control, and making a conscious choice to pull it out of your arsenal, it's a good thing.
It's definitely burned me a few times but at times it's been such a huge driving force in my life. Thank you so much for your comment and the read!
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