I Miss You, I Miss You Not

Every once in awhile there is a picture that pops up in my social media feeds. I'm not typically the type of person that is into mantras and cliche phrases but something about this particular message resonates with me. The picture reads "Just so we're all clear, it's okay to miss people you no longer want in your life." I'm always grateful for the reminder. I've made some hard decisions to cut people out of my life. Although it has been necessary for my own well being it's still hard to get over the emptiness it leaves you with. 

It's been a little over 3 years since the last time I spoke to my parents. The last conversation I had with them I explained that I had given them dozens of chances and they clearly weren't changing their ways. I didn't cry when I had this talk with them.The defense mechanism in my brain took over and I spoke on auto pilot. My voice was even, monotone, and expressionless. I delivered my message as matter-of-fact even though my heart was breaking. I explained that after today I was cutting them off completely. I listed all the things they would be missing out on because once again they decided to choose drugs over me and I wasn't going to stick around to watch it happen.

Cutting them off meant they would no longer be attending my wedding coming up in a year. When Dylan and I have children in the future my parents will never see them. They will never have our address and their number will remain blocked in my phone. I told them all of this and tried to get them to understand that this was the final conversation we would be having.
Of course they cried and pleaded with me but my mind was made up. My mind had to be made up for the sake of my new life and family. I needed to do what was best for my future and I saw them playing no part in it. 

I desperately needed to move forward with my life and leave them in the past where I should have left them long ago. It wasn't worth waiting on their promises to get better. They'd been shoving those falsities down my throat my entire life. I couldn't withstand anymore manipulation and deceit. Lies have always made my stomach turn even if they weren't my own. 

A main reason for cutting them out was protecting my new life. I couldn't possibly bring my new family into this disaster. My adoptive mom, Kate, had protected me and welcomed me into her life with open arms. The least I could do was protect her from the insanity that was meant to be left in my past. My husband to be, Dylan, didn't need this kind of drama and hostility weighing him down. It wasn't his mess but mine. Then there were my in-laws, they knew a little of the past life I had but I couldn't allow them to come face to face with the reality of my origins. 

Despite all of my reasons to cut ties and walk away it has remained a difficult decision to uphold. Everyday I am battling with myself internally because I miss them so much. Almost daily I go back and forth with the debate of just calling them to talk one last time. Weekly I'm debating if maybe I should just write them a letter. I wouldn't need to put a return address on it. Just say what I need to say and be done with it.

I just hope they know I still love them. For as fucked up and unhealthy as they are I still love them and miss them so much. I try to remember that for my own well being I can't have contact with them but I still struggle with the back and forth in my mind. I have moments when I'm close to cracking but then I receive a nasty reminder for why I need to stay away. 

They still attempt to contact me. It's been a long time since I blocked their number. However, I still receive voicemail's and Facebook messages. I've even gone as far as changing phone numbers. I'm on my 3rd number but to no avail. Someone keeps giving out my number to them. It doesn't matter anyway at this point because I know what they will say. Every message I receive follows the same pattern.

My mom will start in with the begging and pleading. Each message goes a little something like this... 

"This is your mom Leah, your real mom. Please call me and daddy back. Please if you are hearing this message just call us back. We miss you so much. "

That immediately flows into the guilt trip and heavy manipulation. 

"This is your REAL mom Leah, the one who gave BIRTH to you. Does that not mean anything to you? We weren't always the best parents but we always did the best we could. Is this how you repay us? By ignoring us? We won't be around forever. Someday we will be gone and you'll regret this."

Every voicemail, every time is concluded in anger and blame.

"Leah, what the hell is wrong with you?! If your grand parents were alive to see how you're acting, they would be ashamed. You can tell your brother and sister that too. Shame on all of yous. I didn't raise yous to behave like this. What the hell has gotten into you? I sure as hell didn't teach you to act like this. This is your mom Leah. CALL ME BACK."

For any "normal" person that alone would be enough reason to say "good riddance". I wish that was what I thought. I wish I could be a normal person with a normal relationship with normal parents. Instead I sit hear and torture myself and feel like shit about my decision to protect myself. Anytime I get one of these messages I start in with a game of 20 questions in my head. 

If my parents pass away will I regret never calling them back?
Is it going to eat away at me for the rest of my life if I don't say my good byes?
Will I attend their funerals if they do pass away?
What will other family think or say if I do?
What if I don't?
Am I morbid for dwelling so heavily on these questions?
Maybe this was the wrong decision all along?

The aching I feel in my chest for them is almost too much to bare and I wish I could just go back to the way things used to be even if they weren't good to begin with. Maybe a shitting relationship is better than no relationship at all. Someday's it feels like the wrong decision. 

Without the support system I have in place I surely would have caved and been stuck in the down ward spiral I tried so hard to escape. Dylan is always there to listen to the messages with me and combat the negativity I take from it. My adoptive mom Kate has always kept her arms and ears open when I need to hash it out again and again. Ultimately I know the ball is in my court. Sometimes the sense of control over the situation is the only thing keeping me from driving to their house and throwing my self at their feet for forgiveness.
When I've had enough and I don't want to play the game of keep away any longer the message appears in my feed. Always at the times when I seem to need the reminder most. 

It's okay to still love my parents and not have a relationship with them. It's okay to still yearn for a connection to them but  to keep the ties of communication cut. It's okay to still want to hear their voices but not let them hear mine. 

And just so I'm clear, it's okay to miss my parents and no longer want them in my life.

Until Next Time

- PronouncedLeah

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